Cheating At Solitaire

DSC_6932

2006-11-08T00:32:00.000-06:00

DSC_6932
Originally uploaded by topher74.

Girls Are Bad Mojo

2006-01-05T05:00:00.000-06:00

I've known for a long time why the pros say that drinking and poker don't mix. And it occasionally occurs to me that girls and poker don't mix^*. But tonight I'd been out drinking with a girl until, um, a little late. Then I outlined the first couple acts of a Science Fiction Masterpiece^**. Then I spent about two hours drinking bourbon and thinking about a girl. And blowing through $150 on a shorthanded 3/6 table at Full Tilt^†.

For the record, Drinking plus Girls is also not conducive to poker^†^†. And I don't even particularly like bourbon. The only reason I'm drinking it is that somebody bought me this cool-ass hip flask, and I couldn't bring myself to put vodka in it^‡. I filled it with Maker's Mark, because it seemed appropriate and had been recommended by the person who gave it to me.

Need I mention that this person is also a girl?

I rest my case.

Whatever it was.

^*If I actually have any female readers, don't get offended. I don't mean that you can't play poker. I just mean that I can't think about you while I'm playing poker. I learned to play poker online, so I try to envision you all, male and female alike, as pixels.
^**No kidding.
^†And dear lord it felt good.
^†^†I suppose this should have been intuitively obvious to the most casual observer. Come to think of it, it was.
^‡I just can't see a Russian carrying around a metal hip flask. I mean, it would get cold, right? Like, really cold.

Better Late Than Never

2006-01-03T23:11:00.000-06:00

I'm terribly far behind on everything, even clean-up from the NYE party, but I had promised to take a weigh-in for myself on the Jan 1. Well, I tried:

Obviously not my best picture ever. The fact that my shirt can't stay out of the picture tends to obscure the fact that I managed to lose a little bit of weight. So I try again:

I'm pretty sure I haven't lost that much weight, but then I occasionally get told the same thing about my blood pressure. Anyway, by the time I got a 9V battery it was today, and now I'm apparently 256.5, but I didn't feel like I could really count that. Of course, I'm posting this having not looked at Chilly's site to see how much I lose. I hope he didn't stick to Atkin's, but I'm glad I capped it at $200.

Strung-Out Saturday Night

2005-12-18T05:52:00.000-06:00

I don't have it in me to get into the details right now, I'm still operating on not nearly enough sleep. Entered a 500 Party Point satellite for our Thursday Thinktank and won, managed to hang on into 15th place tonight for $1740 and some change. Hella payout for an entry fee equivalent to one (1) PartyPoker ball cap. Think I'd better sleep now.

Keep Moving

2005-12-16T07:23:00.000-06:00

The note said, "We missed you."
Between the lines it read,
"We waited for so long,
But now it's time to keep moving along."

I'm probably not in the best condition to write at the moment. I've been up too long on too little sleep for days. All the cool kids got to go to Vegas, surviving on four minus hours of sleep per night. Meanwhile, I have trouble finding four hours in a row to sleep without even leaving my house.

All kinds of fun and excitement in my life this week. I sort of accidentally slipped and fell into the 5/10 games on Party, which adds a bit of adrenaline back into the game. Oddly, I don't think I even realized it was gone. I'd been wearing my super-conservative bankroll management as a mark of pride. Now it seems to have been a badge of fear. I'm not going to go nuts and start playing outside my ability to dodge the wrath of Darth Variance, but I think I'm pretty safe requiring as little as 300BB (rather than 500BB) before I let myself play a given level.

It seems clear now that, whether you're approaching poker as business or hobby, you will be best served by moving up as fast as possible. As a business, the benefits are obvious: most businesses ultimately must expand to grow past a certain point. More directly, it's the only way you have to give yourself a raise to reward your hard work and increased skill.

Those who view poker as a hobby often have an easier time getting comfortable at a given limit, but it's no less damaging. Unless you're ultimately playing with money that you don't expect to keep (as oh so many of these people on PartyPoker must be), poker has to be played for the long term. You have to remain constantly vigilant to ensure that you don't make mistakes. Playing the same tables with the same players day after day, throwing out the same bets over and over, will inevitably encourage players to let down their guards. It doesn't take too many cold-calls to sacrifice every bit of +EV you've managed to scrape together by learning to lay down A6s under the gun.

As with most things, the place to be is balanced on the edge of the blade. You want to be just far enough outside of The Comfort Zone that you can feel the knife pressing on your skin, but not so far that it cuts. The little trickle of brain-juice that's produced when you know that failure might hurt is sometimes what it takes to spur success. Or at least for me. Your mileage may vary. No warranty, either express or implied, etc.

I know this has all been said before. To be honest, I have a feeling I borrowed a metaphor or two from another blogger, but I swear I googled for quotes and couldn't find any. I think I'm mostly trying to convince myself anyway. I still consider it a rare bonus when someone other than myself even gets to the last sentence.

Fly On The Windscreen - Final

2005-12-06T06:32:00.000-06:00

Well I guess everything dies, baby, that's a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back
So put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty
And meet me tonight in Atlantic City
-Bruce Springsteen

I've been thinking a lot about this blog recently, which is probably a bad sign. It seems when I spend a lot of time thinking about writing, I do very little actual writing. What I really need is five Red Dragons and an obnoxious friend to tell me, "There is no think, there is only do." The friend must be obnoxious, of course, because otherwise I might start talking about doing, which is the only thing less effective than thinking about doing.

That's why I'm not going to talk about the girl I met at the wine-tasting/Erin Bode show the other night. Despite the fact that I've conversed with her one (1) more time than most every other girl I've ever met while drinking.

Other than my wife of course. You guys think you have reason to wonder if your wife is reading because you write some paean to youthful indiscretions? (And yes, I still think of that post when I get sucked out on, Chill.) Not that I'm worried that she'll find out I was chatting up some girl at a bar, since she saw the initial interaction as it happened and somehow has a talent for knowing when I'm interested in someone. Where did she learn to read those signals anyway? But I need to keep her out of my flirtations and dalliances, because she's more attractive and more fun than I am, and I can't handle the competition.

Mostly, though, the last couple weeks have been a real bummer. Not that there's been anything truly soul-crushing, or even soul-grinding. More like hundreds of tiny soul-nail-files, probably those nearly-useless metal ones attached to soul-nail-clippers, slowly rubbing ineffectually at some of the more sensitive areas.

Earlier tonight I wrote an overly melodramatic piece on my closest ever brush with real live dying. Believe it or not, it happened less than 12 hours ago. By the age of 35 - usally by the age of five I suspect - most people have had to deal with the loss of someone close. Holding a hand in a hospital room, or a sudden sad phone call from your parents, or just finding Tiger curled motionless in a corner. Not me, though. I grew up without pets, without family, and without tragedy. Some of my friends say this has left me with an epic fear of death, but I know this is ludicrous since I am obviously immortal.

Well, I'm immoral, and I drink lots of tea. I think it's probably close enough.

Anyway, I deleted the pubescent gothic ramblings for a lot of reasons, not least to spare you, dear readers. Much like the posts I've deleted over the last few weeks on topics ranging from coat shopping to dieting to my wife's yearly descent into December despair. It seems strange to me that I have difficulty talking about poker when it's going well and difficulty talking about life when it is going badly.

From this, and the utter lack of content for the last few weeks, you might correctly surmise that my poker game has been ticking over nicely since leaving the confines of nine-to-five-dom. November was officially my Best Month Ever, buoyed largely by the twelve-hour days I spent cruising the PartyPoker 2/4 and 3/6 BBJ tables while the jackpot climbed to nearly $700K over Thanksgiving weekend. I simply cannot believe how juicy those tables get once the jackpot climbs above $300K or so. I raked in over 5BB/100 for those six days or so. That, my friends, is the kind of win rate that may just keep me unemployed.

Last night I took my first shot at 5/10, after I noticed a couple of my tagged fishies sitting in the same big pond. I was up over $200 at one point, but bled a little back off and cashed out 17 BB ahead. That's a damned good session for a low-limit grinder who's still struggling to get his head around 3/6 most nights, but I can tell I'm not ready for that limit yet. Oh sure, I'm rolled for it (by the 300BB bankroll rule, if not by my own ultra-conservative 1000SB rule), but I still find it difficult to drop $50 on a hand when my AKs whiffs. It's good to know, however, that I'm not hopelessly outclasses up there. And only a year ago I couldn't imagine calling 50c bets on the turn and river, so I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

Finally, a few odds and ends from the last post. First a much-belated thanks to Chilly for inviting me and ToolOfTheMan for hosting the Little Willie Invitational. I had a lot of fun and managed to play some decent poker while I was at it, taking first in the initial event and bubbling in the second when I slow-played my aces right into Little Willie's flopped straight. I came home from the event and put down some notes on the important hands of the night, then started writing them up properly before becoming inevitably distracted and eventually washing out the details in a fog of bong fumes. I did get the first three hands written however, and not wishing to lose my purple poker prose completely I present them here, unedited and in all their self-aggrandizing glory.

L1 AJs in SB, folded to Tooloftheman on button, who raises to 3xBB. I put him on a steal and make it about 3x that. Chilly in the BB calls quickly, and now I'm a bit worried. Hands like AK, KK, and QQ fill my head - hands that scare me. Tool makes a comment about his steal not working out so well and folds. The flop is A42 two hearts and I quickly check. Chilly does the same, and something tells me it was a big pair. The turn is another blank, I bet about half the pot and it's mine. Any memory of what you had, Chill?

Somewhere shortly after this, Little Willie finds himself first out of his own invitational. I don't remember the exact betting, but he somehow pushed all his chips in with pocket 4s on a ragged flop, only to find that Travis had flopped a set. Doubtlessly it sucks to go out first when you can't even come back next time for revenge. He acquitted himself admirably, however, and by the time we had set the table back up and sorted out the chips the tears were mostly dry.

L2 I'm in mid position when TotM sticks in another standard raise. I look down to find the Hilton Sisters. I look to my right, and my gut says AK. "So, um, you're name's [ToolOfTheMan's real name, which I actually do remember], right?" He assents. "And this is you're place?" Again an affirmative. "So are you going to kick me out if I keep reraising you?" He thinks for a moment, but apparently this is (barely) within house rules, so I triple his bet. It's folded back to him, and he calls easily. The flop is Qxx all spades, and Tool hardly thinks before stacking up a pot-sized bet. I do some math for a while, but there's really only one option. "Dude, I'm all-in." Although he is warned that the "dude" is probably a tell, he calls with AsKc and I dodge the spade and knock him out. The Host and The Honored Guest, finding themselves at loose ends for the moment, begin setting up for Dial-A-Shots.

Things got a little fuzzier after that anyway. I remember shots of cranberry vodka while someone had Otis on the phone, and another because we couldn't get ahold of Al Can't Hang. I know that eventually someone got Dr. Pauly on his cell, but I demured because he was doing a Dial-A-Hit and I didn't have the equipment to match him. Next time I'll sneak in my Ryot Kit for such an eventuality.

For me, that would have been a better option than beer and shots anyway. I'm usually able to remain relatively sane (if not stable) on hard liquor (read: girlie frou-frou drinks), but beer (or cider, more accurately, since I can't drink beer) tends to make me talkative, goofy, loud and more than a bit obnoxious. This works out okay in bars, but not so great in friendly poker games. I'm pretty sure I failed in my goal to avoid embarrassing myself, but perhaps I will serve as a valuable object lesson for other bloggers not to invite random net-douchebags into their (or others) homes.

On the subject of which, I have received exactly zero (0) messages and zero (0) linkages regarding the proposed St. Louis Blogger/Reader Open, so I suppose we're going to call it cancelled for now. Or maybe I should just declare myself the winner and move on, since everyone is obviously out-classed by a professional of my caliber. Actually, I'm guessing that this has something to do with my sporadic posting, obnoxious behavior and general lack of self-promotion. If I manage to correct any two of those things, I'll try again. Although I have to admit that I'm willfully ignoring the implied commentary by my current home game line-up, in that none of them have expressed interest either. Oh well.

Y'know, I'd do a lot more of these if I didn't spend three hours writing them.

Too Much Poker, Not Enough Blogging

2005-11-17T17:43:00.000-06:00

I've been absolutely terrible about keeping this blog up recently, haven't I? In a way, it's almost ironic that in my first week without a job I've had less time for blogs and blogging than ever. I shouldn't be surprised, however, as most of the time I spent both reading and writing was while I should have been working. Now that I spend that time playing poker, I'll have to explicitly make for blogs.

I've been averaging eight or nine hours of play a day, about 14 if you include multitabing. Not bad, but I can do better, or at least spend more time on multiple tables. I didn't want to tinker with my game too much in the first week, but I expect I'll try to increase the number of tables I play slowly. Particularly late at night, when there are very few distractions aside from the occasional feline intervention, I think I should have the focus to play three or four 1/2 6-max tables at a time without hurting the BB/100 too much.

The other reason I've been staying away from blogs is the vivid reminder every time I look at mine that I'm supposed to be losing weight. On that front, I'm pretty sure Chilly is ahead by now, as I spent the better part of last week celebrating my unemployment. This seemed a little bit premature from my point of view, but everyone I knew seemed to think it called for some kind of food or drink. On the other hand, I have been walking to Coffee Cartel for a White Chocolate Caramel Iced Mocha (With Soy Milk) almost every morning, which does implement points three and four of the The Five Bullet Point Master Plan For Winning The Weight Bet (And Subsequently Taking Over The World), so it's not as if I've made no progress at all.

There's tons more to talk about, but I still have tons more to do, and The Little Willie Invitational starts in less than two hours. There's apparently been some debate about whether they really wanted "Some dude Chilly vouches for" to play, so I hope to avoid embarassing myself and him at least. I figure I can pretend that I'm not a douchebag for a few hours at least, and if I go out early I may even manage to lose gracefully.

I'm thinking about having a St. Louis Blogger/Reader Open sometime in the next month or so. I'm not going to get out to Vegas or the blogger meet-up in December, but it would be kind of cool to meet people who are relatively local at least. If you're interested, let me know at captfreeman-gmail-com. And yes, this includes people I know - if you don't read the blog, you're not invited :-P. I'd like to try to get this together sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but we'll have to see how much interest there is and when everyone is available.

Heavy Things

2005-11-03T23:15:00.000-06:00

Here we go, Chilly. I would have gotten it up earlier, but I had to go get me one of them G-Vegas toe manicures. Then I forgot to take my socks off. It's been one of those days. I've been eating Ho-Ho's constantly for the last few days, and the transition to The Vodka and Toast Diet (note to self: may need a more appealing name) has left my metabolism a little shaky.

That's okay, I just got through my last Thursday at work. Which is cool, because I never could get the hang of Thursdays. Anyway, it's all part of:

The Five Bullet Point Master Plan For Winning The Weight Bet
(And Subsequently Taking Over The World)

Put on pounds prior to the weigh-in with "empty calories", which should be easier to get rid of than full ones.
My own custom-designed dietary regimen, which I may call The South City Diet by the time I publish the book.
Exercise, exercise, exercise. (note to self: find heaviest vodka bottle available)
Learn to drink coffee as a substitute for the two liters of Dr. Pepper usually required to drag me to full consciousness.
Take over the world. (This stage may need to be more fully developed later.)

So you see, Chilly, you simply don't stand a chance. This zero-carb + exercise machine = weight loss thing may work on TV, but I have a Master Plan.

And Bullet Points. Don't forget the Bullet Points.

Psst, BadBlood, I'll give you half my profit on the bet if you can convince Chilly to drink milkshakes instead of protein shakes. Waddaya think?

Nasrudin And The Horse

2005-11-02T01:03:00.000-06:00

Is it just me, or is 3.6 looser than 2.4? At least on Party and UB, that seems to be my impression. I don't have nearly enough data yet to draw any conclusions. Can anyone help me out here?

Somebody was asking in comments about my bankroll, level, etc. More generally, the question has been sort of hinted at by more than one: Do you really have any business going pro?

Sadly, the answer is no. Or at least a qualified no.

Once upon a time, there was a very wise Sufi mystic named Nasrudin. Nasrudin had an unfortunate habit of acting out his own parables to demonstrate to people just how stupid enlightenment really is, and during some incident involving this (or perhaps too much wine and hashish) he ran afoul of a local potentate, who had him tried and sentenced to death.

"O King!" Nasrudin cried, throwing himself to his knees. "Please, you must spare my life, for I am The Greatest Teacher The World Has Ever Known."

"What is that to me?" replied the haughty ruler.

"If you spare my life, I can teach your favorite horse to fly."

"That would be wonderful," laughed the king. "You have one year."

The next day, a follower managed to visit Nasrudin in the stables where he had been shackled. "Why did you make such an absurd bargain?" the student asked. "Surely, O Wise One, even you cannot teach a horse to fly."

"Well, perhaps not," Nasrudin admitted. "But a year is a long time. I might find a way to escape. Or perhaps the king will die, or be deposed. In a year, he may even learn forgiveness."

Then Nasrudin shrugged and smiled. "And who knows? Maybe the damned horse will learn to fly."

Currently, I'm mostly multi-tabling 2.4 on UB, along with a one-table session of 3.6 on Party every night. Just sort of testing the waters, so to speak. My average daily bankroll last month was about $2600. However, it must be noted that I've taken out 10% off the top of my bankroll on (or about) the first of each month since January. In that time, I've profitted somewhat over $2000. Since my "real jobs" have been paying the bills in that time, the profits have bought me an iPod, a new harddrive, my wife's computer, and a few other toys here and there, not to mention countless pizzas and bottles of wine.

Obviously, I'm not going to be able to pay the bills on $200/month (or even $260, as it is this month). Luckily, I won't need to. My wife is going to take care of that for me. I know, I know, it sounds awful, but she actually volunteered, and our roommates agreed with the plan. It's been obvious for a long time that I've been unhappy in my job, and they all really seem to believe in me (for whatever reason). I have a few other plans for making myself useful and generally improving the quality of life for myself and those around me - I mean, besides the obvious method of playing more poker - and maybe one of them will pay off in some way.

Or maybe I'll end up playing hours and hours of X-Box 360 games. I don't think that sounds much like me, but maybe.

My goal, I suppose, is to become a grinder. I want to get to a level where I can put in a reasonable number of hours per week and win enough to cover whatever luxuries and recreational expenses we need. Unfortunately, we have expensive tastes, but we've agreed to forgo those for the time being so that I can take a shot. As I told my lovely and (possibly too) understanding wife, I don't truly believe that we'll be able to make this work. Of course, I don't believe that we won't, either. Personally, I think belief destroys intelligence. I want to see what will happen, and the best way to learn this sort of thing is empirically. If nothing else, I'll be able to determine if I can ever make this work and put to rest once and for all the hobby/job question.

And who knows? Maybe the damned horse will learn to fly.

I Think I May Have Been ServedT-10 or so I think

2005-10-27T01:08:00.000-05:00

First off, thanx for the luck. It would help quite a bit. I know this is ridiculous, but The Stars Are Aligned Properly right now. I'd rather this was happening 12 months from now, or maybe 10 years ago, but unfortately (for many of us) it's right now.

Secondly, Chilly says in comments:

All right fat boy, wanna make a prop bet on the 25 lbs? I call u fat in the most loving way possible.

I could use some extra motivation.

How about $1 per pound to 25# and $10 per # after that. When I lose 30 and you lose 22 you would owe me $3 for 22-25 and $50 for 25-30.

I take payments in bacon.

I believe IT can be declared to be officially ON at this point. How do we do this? I can have a digital picture of a scale reading my weight up by midnite tomorrow (times subject to change, void where prohibited).

Or if you're too much of a fat girl to post your weight on the net (and I call you a fat girl in the most loving possible way ;-), I guess someplace like Dave and Busters or Happy Joe's will have one of those penny scales. Although we'd have to weigh on the way out, I'd imagine.

We might want to cap it at like two bills, though. That way if you gain 10 pounds (-$10) and I lose 45 (25x1 + 20x10 = +$225) your wife won't kick my ass.

This will be great. I could use the motivation, and I have all the +EV in the world here. I have extra time to exercise, and I may not be able to afford food soon.

And of course, if I lose, you could probably use the bacon.

Goal-Setting: T-11(ish) and counting

2005-10-25T23:07:00.000-05:00

Okay, Chilly, you want more posts? Check this out, two for two this week.

It's amazing how much more writing you do when you're not playing poker.

This is a quick one, but something I wanted to get down while it's fresh. It's subject to change without notice, void where prohibited by law. Anyway, without further ado:

Goals For The Immediate Future

Increase bankroll to $5000 by 2005-12-31. Is this realistic? I'm not sure, but I'll do some math later and possibly change it then.

Lose 25 pounds by 2005-12-31. This should be possible, right? No job means no excuses. I'll be under constant pressure from friends, I'll hardly be able to avoid working out three times per week.

Quit smoking. This is probably the one I think I'll have the most trouble with. I'm embarrassed to admit how many times I've blown it. I think I may have a workable strategy this time, but there's really only one way to find out. Empiricism can be a bitch.

Blog more. Develop a style. Learn to type what I'm thinking before I've thought of all the reasons not to. For the next few months, strive for quantity over quality, and decide what works along the way.

There's more, in fact I may make a new post with a completely different list, in a few days. A couple people have asked me about my goals, and it has kind of resonated with a post (which I hope to find and link to later) and the multiple bloggers talking about goals recently. I wanted to type up an initial list, and this seemed as good a place as any.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog or RSS reader.

The First Important Post In This Blog

2005-10-25T02:11:00.000-05:00

"So, this is it," I thought to myself as I unlocked the front door. The day of The Big Announcement had finally arrived.

Of course, it wasn't a Big Announcement to my roommates. It wasn't even really an announcement, they've known for weeks. Here in the blog I've been delaying, teasing, and avoiding the Big Announcement for so long that I finally stopped posting just to stop talking about it. What can I say? I'm going to go on record as saying that I may yet become known as the Slowest Blogger Ever.

I wasn't expecting much from the roommates, to be honest, but I'd hoped for more than I got. An empty mansion greeted me. Well, two cats greeted, and my cat was doubtlessly asleep in bed upstairs. All (empty mansion included) displayed the indifference to my happy news that I had expected.

Saturday night we held the 160 Zillion Dollar Championship here at The Mansion Casino. I should note that this has little to do with The Big Announcement, but I mention it as the semi-interesting poker-related news. I didn't really pay as much attention as I should have, took no notes whatsoever, and folded The Hammer UTG on the first hand. I'm pretty much a disgrace to the blogger community. In general, however, I played better than I've ever played.

CC#9, our only n00b in the championship, went out first unfortunately. He overplayed top pair, a common mistake, but he seemed to have a good time and I think he'll be willing to play again. He certainly seems like the type who'll pick up the game pretty quickly, and former RPG'ers can bluff with the best of them.

Next out was Sport, probably our second-best female player, who just couldn't seem to get in the groove all night. She'll also be back, doubtlessly, although we may yet convince her to wear a sexy dealer outfit and deal the whole night. Hmm.... maybe if put up her buy-in for the game.

The Spoiled Brat (that's my wife, her nickname not mine) may have gone out next. She was distracted by Somebody Else's Problem (an NPC who showed up early in the game unexpectedly) and tried to pick off a bluff that wasn't a bluff. She'll get lucky sometime, but the big field and constant distractions hurt her focus too much.

Nickname was out fourth, an ignomious end for our leader in ITMs for the 160 Zillion Dollar Challenge. He had a bad case of second-best-itis all night and chipped down into the danger zone. He ended up all-in against a worse hand twice, splitting one and losing the second to put him out.

Next out was DD, my aerodynamically curvaceous roommate whose Official Nickname escapes me for he moment. She's another near-beginner, and still has a tendency to see too many flops and fold to weak bets. She was lower in chips than Tophatronic, my other roommate and her husband, so he was technically out next. I sucked them both out of the tournament on my one lucky catch in The Duff Light Hand of the Championship.

I was in the BB, Toph, DD, BMW and Dealer (his name, not the button) limp to me, and I look down to find 66. I've built up a pretty good chip stack at this point, and the blinds were high enough to put a lot of money in the pot. I had everyone but Toph covered by a good margin. Toph is generally weak and will fold rather than coinflip, and I was more than willing to flip anyone else for their stack to push myself into the chip lead. After a quick look at BMW and Dealer to make sure they aren't looking tricky, I went all-in.

I knew I was in trouble when Toph called immediately. DD called the rest of her stack, which was not terribly much at this point, and the others layed it down as expected. "All I've got is sixes," I say, flipping them up. I'm looking at Toph's cards, because I know it's an overpair, and sure enough he flips cowboys. Meg has A7, so we do have a horserace, but I'm pretty much dead to a 6 here.

"Nice limp under the gun with kings," I say to my roommate.

"Um, I was in the big blind," he says. "I was about to make a raise myself." I look down at the deck and realize he's right. I had put in the wrong blind, and hadn't even glanced at him. He'd been playing tight-agressive all night and I was sure he hadn't limped with a big hand. Well, he hadn't. Limped, that is.

"I'd like to see a six on the flop," I close my eyes and say to no one in particular. "Maybe the second card."

I open my eyes to see the six of spades in the middle of the flop. I had caught the antichrist. No one else improved, Toph turned out to be just slightly behind me in chips, and I doubled up and took a commanding chip lead.

The rest of the tournament was a cakewalk. While most of our best players were left, none of them had seen me with a big chip stack for a while, and none of them had ever really managed to counter it very effectively. Professer took out Dealer in fifth, giving him second chip lead.

We spent a long time on the bubble, with me bullying and buying blinds and orphaned pots and Professer picking up the slack when I folded my crap hands. KareBear doubled BMW up when he won a race with sailboats, then I did the same for her when she picked them up the next hand. KareBear ended up all-in in the blinds three more times waiting for the perfect hand to come, but it never did and she eventually bubbled out. A close call for our second in ITMs and perhaps the tables most dangerous threat.

From there I bullied my way to the title. BMW had some play left, but couldn't catch cards at the right time. I called his post-flop all-in with a flush draw and gutshot and hit the spade on the river to knock him out.

At this point I had a massive chip-lead on the Professer and he had to fold too often to my raises on marginal hands. Eventually I whittled him down until I could afford to double him up if need be and just started pushing blind. The third time, he called with KJo to my Q5o. He flopped top pair with a J, but I caught a backdoor flush with the queen of hearts to knock him out in second and take the title.

I don't want to make a big deal about it, but the game meant a lot to me, and so does the win. Thanks to everyone who made it, and to anyone who couldn't we'll keep having The 160 Zillion Dollar Challenge every few weeks for as long as my roommates let me. Details available upon request.

Meanwhile, back in the present, I awoke from my nap before the wretched alarm. I went downstairs and loaded the dishwasher before I went upstairs to tell the roommates. "I talked to my boss today," I said by way of greeting. "He sayeth unto me, 'November Ninth'."

"That's Kristeen Young's old band," Toph tells me.

"Also my last day of work. It would have been November 6, but this person is out, then that person is out, so we can't get it accomplished until the next Tuesday." This has been one of my biggest complaints about the place. It takes forever to get anything done. Everyone in management jealously guards their power by refusing to delegate, but is frequently out of the office, so nothing ever gets accomplished.

I explained all this to my boss in my resignation letter. I had given it to him six weeks ago. The reason I was still working at all is a whole 'nother story. Maybe later. For now, there is only one point.

The Big Announcement

As of November 10, 2005, I will be playing poker professionally.

I'm sure I'll talk more about this. Let the beratings commence.

Slowest. Blogger. Ever.

2005-10-15T14:39:00.000-05:00

I even procrastinate slowly. When I get around to it at all.

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 4010910

I hope PokerStars doesn't disqualify me because I let my blog slide for a week or two between posts. I promise, I'll be back with more soon. Going camping in Meramec State Park tonight, as this may be the last weekend with weather this sweet in 2005. Sunday night The Decembrists show. Tuesday night MC Chris. And Wednesday is Suicide Girls Burlesque show at Pop's. Busy week, plus I promised I'd post some con pics, and I may even want to talk about poker again someday.

The Fat Man Walks At Midnight

2005-10-06T14:10:00.000-05:00

Just a quick one today, but I had to pass on this link from my favorite economics blog¹ about Sumo In Vegas. I should point out that I know less than nothing about sumo, but the story is that sumo wrestlers will conspire amongst themselves to fix matches, often letting a wrestler with a less winning record win. The money quote:

Remember: if on the last match of the tournament, you have a chance to bet on a 7-7 wrestler who is facing an 8-6 or 9-5 wrestler, do it.

Just wanted to get that out there in case anyone is going to be at Mandalay Bay this weekend. For everyone else who feels I've wasted your time, here's a riddle for you: What do you get when you cross a python with an alligator²?

¹Note: Also the only economics blog I read.
²Answer: A very cross python.

Gettin Beat Like A Smoka Fool...

2005-09-30T15:55:00.000-05:00

...cuz it's Friday. And if it's Friday, it must be another Friday post. This is almost becoming a Cheating At Solitaire tradition. Well, except for last Friday I suppose. But then, breaking tradition is also a Cheating At Solitaire tradition.

The last week has been something of a blur, with little time for poker and even less time for writing. Last weekend we finally opened The Mansion up for a housewarming party, which served double-duty as it was less than a week after my roommate Meg's birthday. It was a reasonably small and quiet affair, nothing like the kind of party I've been hoping for considering the size of the new place, but hopefully "housewarming" means we're just warming the house up for a bigger party. Of course, nothing got broken, nothing got stolen, and the whole thing was virtually messless, so I can't really complain. I spent most of my evening making sure that everyone was imbibing spirits at an appropriate rate. Especially Big Red, who was matching my Cherry Bombs (mmmm, RedBull and Three Olives) drink for drink all night. Apparently I was somewhat too effective in the case of my wife, who ended up praying at the porcelain altar for a few hours before reappearing briefly in her PJs. Apparently she couldn't even hold down water the next morning. I need to quit making her drink all the extra shots that no one else wants.

This week was Anniversary Week at the Mansion as well. Today is the roommates', so congrats to Chris and Meg on five years of putting up with each other. That's two years longer than I could have put up with my wife. Of course, that's mostly because three years (and a couple days) ago, Alice and I capped off three months of wading through Catholic red tape by kneeling in front of a senile priest in front of dozens of our closest friends and hundreds of her unremembered kin. For me, there are three Golden Moments that stand out from that day. First was my father-in-law-to-be and his favorite priest asking me if we could cut the music short and get straight to the ceremony. (My answer, to the strains of "A Tear For Eddie": "I had to take three months of classes to satisfy your requirements. You need to listen to three more minutes of Ween to satisfy mine.") Second was the glowing happiness on my wife's face when The Beach Boys' "Wouldn't It Be Nice?" started up and we realized that not only were we now married, but we could also finally get out of the church. The third is the image of Alice walking across Tower Grove Park (where we were having all the traditional photo crap done) in her wedding white so she could ask the Harley riders convention if one of them would let her sit on his hog in her dress for a picture. It's a great shot of her, I'll have to see if I can dig it up and post it.

Approximately twelve hours after that moment, we woke up hung over, under-rested, and late for our flight to Florida, prompting our first fight as a married couple. The good times have not stopped since. The third anniversary is apparently the Leather Anniversary. For those of you wishing to purchase us gifts, Alice requests restraints, a corset, or a riding crop. For my safety, it's probably best to get her the corset.

This weekend I have yet another excuse to keep myself inebri-wired, as I'll be across the river staying in a Holiday Inn with about 2500 assorted geeks, freaks, and Vampire Lust Bunnies. I've been going to Archon since I was a 16-year-old virgin with a Dr. Who fetish (I had it bad for Nyssa). These days, I can mostly do without the whole SF-fandom scene, but Archon remains a tradition amongst a good portion of my friends. Even if I don't feel the need to wear a rubber forehead or a 17-foot-long scarf (anymore), it's still a great excuse to go party at a hotel, and there's comfort in the fact that no matter what you do, you cannot be the most ridiculous-looking person at the party.

As for the obligatory poker content, we will be running the 160 Zillion Dollar Challenge (Special Con Edition) Saturday afternoon in the game room (at least until they kick us out and we have to finish up in the room). I'd like to get some pics and a brief report posted from the con, but I'm not sure how realistic that is.

And, since it will almost certainly be October before I post again, I should probably post an end-of-month recap. So, to be brief: September sucked for poker. Not as bad as August, in that I didn't drop 100+ BB or anything. In fact, I believe that I stayed just about even for the month, building back a bit of the bankroll with some bonuses but otherwise hanging even. However, the month sucked in that I didn't play nearly as many hands as I'd have liked, and those that I did play I didn't play well. I'm okay with my preflop game, but I've been making lots of rookie mistakes post-flop that I simply can't afford. I probably need to spend a few hours with PokerTracker analysing my results before I determine exactly what changes I need to make, but I suspect that I'm calling down too often with TPTK and not dropping pocket pairs fast enough.

In our next episode: Goal-setting for October, possibly some soul-searching on the subject of bonus whoring, and (maybe, finally) the long-awaited Big Announcement. Unless something more interesting comes up before I have a chance to write about that stuff. But really, what are the odds of that happening?

Blogger Tourney - Titan Poker

2005-09-20T19:13:00.000-05:00

Well, due to circumstances beyond my control, my plans tonight evaporated at about the same time I remembered that there would be a blogger tournament tonight. Thus deprived of excuses, I feel obligated to donate my money to the assembled forces of bloggerdom. I know that I'm unlikely to be recognized or notable in any way, and my low-limit grinding has left my poker skillz somewhat less than mad. Still, that should leave me with plenty of time and attention to experiment with live-blogging a tournament. My prior attempts at this have failed miserably, but what the hell, I'll try it again.

07:22pm Wow, that was fast. Seven minutes for the first comment spam to show up.

07:33pm Two more spams. I'm going to spend more time deleting spam than posting or playing the tournament.

07:53pm First problem encountered with Titan software: it doesn't seem to like my second monitor. Not sure how annoying that's likely to be. How do people live-blog things without drowning in comment spam?

08:01pm And we're off. Looks like I got the birthday boy himself at my table, along with BG and ScottMcM from DeadMoneyInc. I just raised on the button with AKo. BB and a limper called, but I whiffed the flop and folded to a 1/2 pot size bet. Did I mention that I suck at NL?

08:07pm Six minutes of phone answering. My roommates are headed back here to eat takeout with guests. This may not last as long as I thought it would.

08:15pm I suck suck suck at NL poker these days. I'm making a damned fool out of myself. Still in L1 and I'm already below 1000. I fold to everything, and everybody knows it.

08:16pm Then they give me a walk when I min-raise with AJo in MP.

08:19pm Raced BG with AKo vs his 99 and won. I feel bad taking half his stack, he's one of my favorite bloggers. I tell everyone that I'm bad enough that I'm willing to race on L2, but I think they all know that.

08:25pm I drop The Hammer on PAIGOW. In the CO, I raise to 80 and he calls from the BB. Flop is K74, he checks, I bet half the pot and he mucks. Says he had me dominated pre-flop, I'm guessing A2?

08:31pm JJ under the gun, and I get to play with PAIGOW again. Board comes K high, he bets the pot and I call because I'm just not feeling the love. Board pairs threes on the turn, he bets about 2/3 the pot and now I'm sure. I push and he folds. I tell him it wasn't The Hammer this time, but he seems unamused. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.

08:38pm The obligatory "what cusswords work in this software" conversation. Meanwhile, I fold sailboats in EP because I'm scared of these guys. The BB gets a walk. This game might be easier if I actually peek at my cards occasionally.

08:42pm Gifted my BB to Pauly, who raised from the SB. Holy crap, someone I'm 6th in chips. That won't last. But apparently I outlasted BadBlood. Score one for Saint Lousy, Chilly.

09:16pm My first blogger-ate-my-homework experience. I'll try to backfill later.

Wow, live-blogging is hard. My hat is off to anyone who does this on a regular basis. Between blogging, chat, and roommates I almost had a nervous breakdown. It's tomorrow now, so no minute-by-minute breakdown is even possible, and I'll be lucky if I even remember half of what happened accurately.

I built my stack about to about 3500 by the first break, mostly because the deck hit me in the face. Then, just as I was beginning to trust it, the deck stabbed me in the back. I lost almost half my stack getting it all in with AKs v ATo on an A34 board when a ten spikes the river.

The first break is where things started going to hell. My roommates had planned on going out to dinner with a friend from out of town, but the restaurant they were going to was closed, so they ended up bringing takeout back with them. At about the same time, my wife got home from work. I tried to become invisible and keep focused, but after getting in a fight with blogger I decided I'd drop the live-blogging and concentrate on playing/ignoring people.

Let's see, what else happened? I worked my stack back up to about 4500 with a well-timed bluff, a couple of steals, and JJ vs NittanyLions420's TT. EasyFeltch busted out on a bluff which he insisted "could ONLY have been AA" (even though he had JJ). The button failed to fold his KK, which was "a total beginner mistake." CJ continued to emphasize the lesson, which made it easier for me to lay down the cowboys when I caught them three times in a row. Once I even gave the BB a walk when I had KK in the SB, because I knew a raise could only have meant aces, and I didn't want to face that.

This is where things start to get fuzzy. My roommates' friend is this incredibly cool girl from Columbus. She's sort of a hippie-punk-lesbian, and every time she comes in town she brings more than she can smoke while she's staying with family and wants us to help her thin her stash before she drives back to Ohio. Of course, my roommates have turned into complete wusses since back when she used to hang out with them, so being the good co-host I am I feel obligated to try to keep up with her. Just out of hospitality, you understand. It doesn't help that I have a well-known weakness for denying the requests of cute girls.

At about the same time, someone (I wish I could remember who) takes almost everything I have left when the flush hits the river to beat my turned top two. I settle into deperation mode, smoking and folding while waiting for some cards. I'm in last place, hovering around 6xBB for many orbits. The table goes down to 7-handed, then 6, and I manage to steal a few times to hang on to last place for several orbits. Eventually I double up when I flop quad 9s, but I'm still in last place.

Then, the fateful end. My concentration is beginning to wander, and I've been completely cold-decked for the last 25 hands or so, when I pick up 33 in the BB. MP raises, the button and I call, and we're three handed to a flop with a 3 and some other crap that I hardly see. I check, MP pushes, button folds and I call. I caught him on a complete bluff, nothing but a gutshot draw, but the J nails me on the river and I'm out in 15th.

Overall, I'm very happy with my play. I got lucky once and unlucky a few more times, but I managed to hang on into the top 25%, and many of these players (especially the bloggers) have far more tournament experienced than myself. I also managed to sound like a 13 year old fanboy in front of some of my favorite bloggers, which was a little embarrassing but hopefully means I can avoid that if I ever actually meet them. And I managed to get high with a cute HPL from Columbus. Overall, not a bad evening.

In Quick And Out Quick

2005-09-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

You can play jacks, and girls do that with a soft ball and do tricks with it. Please; I may take all events into consideration; no, no. And it is no; a boy has never wept...nor dashed a thousand kin... did you hear me? Now leave it or take it. No, I might be in the playing for I know.
-Dutch Schultz

I'm gonna have to cowboy this joint, because I'm supposed to be out of here in 15 minutes and I'll be damned if I stay at work one minute longer than is absolutely necessary. Really, I wouldn't even be posting anything if I hadn't done such a good job of ignoring my poor little blog all week. Plenty to write about - so much to say, so much to say, so much to say - but no time to write it. I was trying desperately to catch up on my blog reading all week, and I was almost there last night. I was going to finish up this morning while working, and then spend the afternoon writing. Then Rojo puked on me, serving up a dozen or so copies of each post that had been added to anything on my lists in the last 24 hours or so. Sigh.
Poker is going well. I've almost erased last month's $1000 slide, and with a little luck I'll be able to give the 3/6 tables another shot before October comes around. Part of the reason I've been ignoring my implicit obligation to post here is that I've been hoovering bets on the 2/4's at Full Tilt every night.
Another part of the reason is that I just started Ed Miller's Small Stakes Hold'em. I can already tell that it will cause the stillbirth of at least a dozen strategy posts I've thought about. What's the point in trying, when Ed said it best?
And then there's the downer reason. The Mansion got burgled (isn't that a great verb?) twice this week, Tuesday and Wednesday, both times while we were all at work. Can you believe that? It could have been worse, they never left the first floor so mostly what they got was our back-up electronics and such, but what a pain in the ass. The first time was just annoying, but the second time made me feel stupid, like semi-bluffing the same calling station when you know he won't fold. Of course, there really wasn't anything that could have been done that we didn't do, but that hardly changes how it makes me feel.
Mostly, I just hope that all my stuff is still there when I get home.
Okay, that's it, time to cruise. Hopefully I'll get to write more this weekend. I've got a long story about the long-promised Big Announcement that I need to spend some time telling. One way or another, soon (but not soon enough) I'll have more time to dedicate to writing.

Fixing A Hole

2005-09-09T00:18:00.000-05:00

So I fixed the place up a bit, hope you like it. I'm calling it my Blue Period. Obviously it still needs some work, at least if you're the sort that's bothered by the weird border widths beneath the title banner, but I'm not entirely unhappy with it. Which doesn't mean its not subject to change at a moment's notice.

I got the first tangible, real-world benefit out of this blog tonight. Chilly sent me an email inviting me to play in a home game. Unfortunately I was unable to attend due to the no-douchebag rule, as tonight was unfortunately my monthly Douchebag Night. Instead I spent the evening playing with my blog template and pissing off my wife. I'm pretty sure I should have avoided her on Douchebag Night as well.

It's late. I think it must be bedtime.

The Story of the Hurricane

2005-09-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

Now all the criminals in their coats and their ties
Are free to drink martinis and watch the sun rise
While Rubin sits like Buddha in a 10-foot cell
An innocent man in a living hell.
That’s the story of the hurricane...
-Bob Dylan

Obviously Bob was talking about a different "Hurricane," and a different brand of injustice, but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind all week.

The programmer I share an office with is married to a woman from New Orleans. Let's just say his in-laws (parents as well as an aunt, no less) are with him for an extended stay. And his wife is pregnant, so she's freaking out just a little bit anyway. I thought this sounded like as close to Hell On Earth as I'd personally want to get, until I started reading The Interdictor.

I've heard downtown New Orleans compared to Baghdad, but to me it sounds more like Escape From New York. This post in particular makes me think that someone had better contact Snake Plissken to go in after Fats Domino. A brief quote from a phone interview The Interdictor had with "Bigfoot", a bar owner and DJ from New Orleans:

Although obviously he has no exact count, he estimates more than 10,000 people are packed into and around and outside the convention center still waiting for the buses. They had no food, no water, and no medicine for the last three days, until today, when the National Guard drove over the bridge above them, and tossed out supplies over the side crashing down to the ground below. Much of the supplies were destroyed from the drop. Many people tried to catch the supplies to protect them before they hit the ground. Some offered to walk all the way around up the bridge and bring the supplies down, but any attempt to approach the police or national guard resulted in weapons being aimed at them.

The next time the US government says they're sending aid to some foreign country during a time of crisis, remember this bit:

For three days, [Army Corps of Engineers] officials had lamented the difficulty of gaining access to the canal, but yesterday a local contractor, Boh Bros. Construction Co., apparently drove to the mouth of the canal and started placing a set of steel sheet pilings to isolate the canal from the lake. This job was finished yesterday afternoon.

And remember Boh Bros. next time you have some construction you need done in Louisiana. Talk about great marketing... "Boh Bros. Construction: We Saved The City. No, Really."

So yeah... what a mess. In the What-Can-Ya-Do department... well, not much. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to drive down and get all Mad Max on the bad guys' asses. But I guess if N'awlins can take this kind of hit, my bankroll can as well. PokerStars is running a 20% bonus ($120 max) through Sept 8, and four charity tournments with buy-ins of $5, $20, $50, and $100 September 12-16. The origin story is over on Wil Wheaton's blog, and Otis will keep you up to date on the PokerStars blog. PokerStars is matching all contributions, so if you're not playing poker online (or there) currently, this might be a good excuse to start. They're definitely one of the best sites around, and I got my start playing the .05/.10 limit hold'em games there. I just caught word from Bill Rini's blog that FullTilt will be doing a similar tournament tonight, so if you're in a hurry to donate you can hit that one as well.

And if poker isn't your thing, a group of FOAF's that call themselves The Zombie Squad are pulling together their own donation. No corporate matching here, but their site lists some good answers to the question "Why should I donate through ZS?":

Pooling our donations together will hopefully allow us to give a larger gift as a group than we would as individuals.

If you donate $15 or more we will send you a cool gift to show our appreciation. We're mailing out a special edition black military style Dog Tags with a ZS logo on one side and "Zombie Squad Relief Drive - Hurricane Katrina 2005" on the back.

You will get your name (or whatever name you choose) listed on this website as a donor to this fundraiser.

If you are on our disaster preparation forum you will get an image under your name showing that you are a donor.

You will get 50% off Zombie Con 2006 if you donate $100.00 or more.

We have ZERO adminstrative costs for this fund drive unlike a lot of fundraising organizations out there. Every cent we raise here will go directly to relief charities. All of our staff are volunteers.

And the most important reason:

We hate zombies.

Guess that's about it for now. Hmm... three entries in three days. Soon, people may think I actually write a blog or something.

Looks Like We Made It

2005-09-01T16:37:00.000-05:00

A month or so back, I caught a G-Rob post at Up For Poker trashing my hometown and its poker bloggers. Now, trashing my home town I have no problem with; over the years, I have variously referred to this place as St. Lousy, The Black Hole of the Midwest, and Humidity City, so I'm not stranger to that. But if you start trashing my town's poker bloggers, then I start getting... well, surprised, mostly. I didn't know my town had any poker bloggers. Well, other than me, and given the quality and quantity of my output, not to mention the state of my bankroll, I'm not sure that I qualify in either respect.

It didn't take long for me to peg Chilly at IDSN as the leader of this ragtag band of locals, at least in terms of blogging. He even had a blogroll just for poker bloggers who were "Born, Lived, or Imprisoned in the'Lou". (Wow, there's just no grammatical way to include that in a sentence, is there?) "Obviously," I thought to myself, "I needed to get myself on that."

Now a less sophisticated (or less procrastinatory) blogger might have just dropped him a comment or an email or something, saying, "Hey, look, I'm trapped in the same hole you are!" But not me. "Too easy," I think to myself. So I bided my time. I read the blogs, I studied every move they made, and I honed my skills. I waited patiently until the moment that I had written something worth reading. I figured that if I was going to have guests, I probably ought to clean the place up a little bit... or at least buy a chair.

Then I blew it all for a Peanut Butter, Bacon and Egg sandwich.

Almost immediately, Chilly dropped a few nice comments on me (despite the obvious lack of interesting content), forcing me to edit yesterday's post to reflect the additional reader I had acquired. He added me to the blogroll too, and even pimped my ~~ride~~blog. And now, thanks to Chilly, I have officially acquired my first comment spam.

I don't know if anyone but Chilly, Scurvy and Joule_e are reading this, but it no longer matters. As far as I'm concerned, once you get comment spam, you are officially a blogger.

Anyway, if you followed Chilly's link expecting this to be more interested (or appetizing) than his recipes... well, sorry, but there's some things with which I am ill-equipped to compete. If you're looking for interesting posts on NL strategy, get back to his blog for a nice piece that builds on Phil Gordon's player levels. And if you're looking for fiberglass car kits... well, sorry, but just because I was excited by my comment spam doesn't mean I didn't delete it.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fungus

2005-08-31T09:38:00.000-05:00

Well, who says absence makes the heart grow fonder
In all the pictures that you send to me
Your hair seems to get just a little bit blonder
Cars break down
And people break down
And other things break down too
I felt something slip
When you left on your trip
And now I think I'm breaking down on you
-The Refreshments

Yeah, so I haven't updated in a while. Spent most of the month very, very depressed. I've been really sick, which hasn't helped, although I have lost about 20 pounds. Of course that just means that the $300 suit I just bought won't fit by the time I get a chance to wear it. My job is still killing me. Home life has still been alternately stressful and boring. But the real problem, the absolute heart of the matter, is that I dropped almost $1100 throughout the month of August.

As of August 1, I had just moved up to the 3/6 tables on Full Tilt and was doing pretty well for myself. Then the slide started. Honestly, I can't tell whether all the things whined about above are the cause or the effect of the slide. I think it's a self-feeding cycle: drop a couple buy-ins, bad mood sets in, making all the other things seem/get worse, which just tilts me more, making me drop a couple of buy-ins... Later. Rinse. Repeat.

Things have mostly turned around now. I'm eating occasionally, home has settled down to just boring, work isn't bothering me quite as much (except while I'm there), and I've started the long slow climb out of the hole I've dug. For the moment, I've dropped back to 2/4. I think I plugged my leaks well enough to handle 3/6 again, but I'm going to make myself earn it.

All things considered, the month could have been worse on my bankroll. Barring a really bad or really good night tonight, I should finish up around $900 in the red for the month, but thanks to my obsessive bonus chasing the final total will be more like -$400. If that's the worse downswing I ever take... well, I should be so lucky. I've read other bloggers having downswings 100x that amount.

Hey, I got mentioned on Card Club! Cincy and Stacks read bits of my email on the air. I feel like such a fanboy for getting excited, but it was really just a quick Thanx that I dashed off to them after listening to the last show, so I wasn't expecting to get airtime. They did make the first public announcement of my impending podcast, which I mentioned was directly inspired by them. They even promised to pimp it, no matter how disgusting or profane the subject matter. It really makes me want to strive to offend, but that's really not my forte. Still, I'm going to hold them to it... as soon as something is ready.

Speaking of ready, I've got a longish post (oh, like this one is short or something?) on How I Turned It Around earlier this month that's almost in the can. Expect that sometime soon. I've got a major announcement that I hope to make in the next week or so, for which you will all (yes, all ~~two~~three of my readers) will call me crazy. I've got a whole bunch of blog posts flagged in Rojo that I want to comment on. I've got quickie reviews of some of my favorite poker blogs written and Saved As Drafts in blogger. I've got design changes coming. And I've got to get back to work.

Shot In The Dark

2005-08-09T14:25:00.000-05:00

"Am I dark?" I asked my friend.

"You mean, like, your skin, or...?"

"I don't know. I was told I'm dark."

That's not exactly what I was told. I was half-way through a bottle of wine with an attractive friend when she said, "I love you, Brian. You're always so dark."

Cute girls telling me why they love me always seems to stick in my brain. Unfortunately, I did not have the same reaction with whatever I said that inspired her commentary. I don't honestly pay much attention to anything that I say, but I've never really thought of myself as dark.

"I'm a realist," said the optimist. "Yeah, well, good luck with that then," the pessimist replied.

"I don't know if I'd call you dark," my friend finally replied. "Although your humour can be."

There's only two kinds of funny. There's human suffering, and there's juxtaposition of the absurd. You can, of course, combine the two (Alan Funt As A Nazi: "We were just wondering what would happen if we installed jets that spew deadly gasses into these average-looking shower stalls. Let's watch.") but all humour can be reduced to one of those.

Of the two, juxtaposition of the absurd is far more humourous. Unfortunately, not everyone finds the same things absurd that I do. One man's Alien Kidnapping is another man's Finding Five Dollars In An Old Coat Pocket. Human suffering, on the other hand, is universal. Man Falling On Banana Peel is funny to anyone in the world, no matter what color the man is, where the banana peel is sitting, or what language he uses to say "FUCK!"

It really isn't that I'm dark. It's just that my idea of absurd is so much more absurd than yours. The jokes about human suffering are the only ones that most people understand.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Despite the following results:

the Wit
(68% dark, 23% spontaneous, 5% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're
probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You
realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons'
philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most
other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

AND FINALLY -- after you rate my test with a sweet, sweet '5' -- you must take this test next: The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Test. It's not mine, but it rocks.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 88% on dark
You scored higher than 3% on spontaneous
You scored higher than 0% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

Hey, Everybody Wants To Pass As Cats

2005-08-03T15:24:00.000-05:00

I was actually in the process of writing a long, introspective entry on the advantages of having a blog that no one actually reads when I noticed that ScurvyDog had actually left a comment. Less that 10 clicks later, I determined that I had failed to set it up to email comments to myself. Bad Captain, no biscuit for you.

Somehow, almost immediately, all those advantages I had started to write about seemed incredibly unimportant. Upon re-reading, every paragraph I had written screamed, "Fuck it, those grapes are sour anyway." I guess it's only human to appreciate attention. "We all want to be big big stars, but we get all fucked up about that."

I kind of feel bad too. I had offered to help Scurvy with BonusBug, a site he set up to announce and discuss poker and casino bonuses. Then this whole house thing came up, with all the attendant time-suckage, and I never even got to look at the code. For what it's worth, if you're reading this and interested in free money, you ought to check it out... it's already better designed and more informative than bonuswhores. Hopefully in a month or so, once life settles down a bit, I'll be able to help him add some of the super-k-rad-nifty features we talked about and it will be better still.

To answer your question, Scurvy, we don't own the house... at least, not yet. The owner (and our landlord) did a pretty half-assed job of fixing the place up sometime in the mid 1970's and really hasn't put any work into it since. This would be fine, except that he's asking $600K for the place, which is the top of the price range for the nicer houses on the block. So for now, we rent.

Once we get some furniture in the right spots and there's at least ten square feet of floor space not covered by cardboard, I'll get some pictures of the inside up, but it's pretty amazing. Legend has it that it was used as the Italian Consulate during the 1904 World's Fair, and has been both a brothel and an illegal casino at various times throughout the last 100 years. If things work out such that we're still living there in a few years, I'm definitely going to start looking for ways we can talk the landlord into selling. While it needs quite a bit of work, it feels nicer than anywhere else I've ever lived.

I'm told that once you go mansion, you never go back.

Returning to the question of readership, I suppose I ought to just give in and admit that I wish there were more people reading this drivel. Of course, there's no one to blame but myself and my laziness there. It's not enough to Build It and hope that They Come. The closest I've come to publicizing this space is a few comments in other people's blogs with the URL, and telling my friends who are too busy to read anything that doesn't show up on their LiveJournal Friends Page.

Sigh. I guess that means I'm going to have to do some work around here.

So, coming soon to a blog near you: an actual blog-roll with a few (for starters) of my favorite feeds. A hit-counter or something so I know if anyone actually shows up. Some linkage for some recently-discovered local peeps. And a special request involving The Hammer. If all of that doesn't bring in an eyeball or two, I'll just go back to writing the post on The Advantages Of Being Alone.

Royal Cherry

2005-07-31T02:35:00.000-05:00

I just made a one-out total donkey call with ATd on a board of KdQdQh when I was nearly certain that someone had [KQ KK QQ], and guess what? I hit my royal. I got maybe just a little bit excited and played it a bit too fast, but I'm told that happens to most guys their first time. Anyone know of the top of their head(s) how many hands I should have to wait before I see another one of those?

Tones Of Home

2005-07-29T18:52:00.000-05:00

We're in.

There's still a bit more to do. Cleaning out the old place, getting the landlord to finish repairs and get his shit out, and general arranging and unpacking are all on the list. As far as I'm concerned, however, the house became "livable" about 30 minutes ago, when all the lights went green on our DSL modem.

Life is good.

I haven't played poker in six days. What am I doing writing a blog entry? I'd describe the place in greater detail, but it will have to wait until my withdrawal pangs have subsided. For now, you may gaze upon a picture and express your jealousy inwardly.

I Could Bring My Little Ghetto Blaster...

2005-07-25T17:20:00.000-05:00

Come on, girl,
Let's sneak out of this party.
It's getting boring,
there's more to life than this!
-Björk Guðmundsdóttir

"Brutal Heat Crushes Midwest" is not a headline you ever want to read when you're checking weather.com from Saint Louis. Even on a relatively cool day in July, the humidity here often reaches a level where sweat simply never evaporates, and the heat index Saturday was a ridiculous 121°F. A fine day to spend indoors with the AC cranked, preferably with a large frozen margarita. Not so great if you're planning on spending the day moving furniture into a building whose designers did not have the decades of foresight necessary to install central air ductwork.

Fortunately for me, I had a chunk of cartilidge removed from my spine about four years ago. Mostly this has been a real pain in the ~~ass~~back for me, but today was one of those rare moments where misfortune transforms to fortune. I stayed indoors (and most importantly, avoided all contact with stairs) for the entire day, packing this, disassembling that, and moving the other to a staging area where one of a half-dozen or so of my closest friends would take over. Thank god I still know people too broke to buy their own beer.

Anyway, by Saturday at 8pm we were finally ready for pizza and AC. Everything that needed to go in the U-Haul was done, and we were probably 85-90% finished with the entire moving process. It is somewhat unfortunate that this is the same percentage of the necessary repairs that our the landlord has completed, but we'll make do. At least he didn't forget to have the gas service switched on, leaving us without hot water. The blame for that one goes to A, who remembered that she'd been assigned this minor task after waiting minutes for the shower to warm up.

Even worse than the lack of kitchen and hot water, however, is SWBT's complete failure to connect our phone and (most importantly) DSL last week as they had scheduled. No word yet on why we haven't been hooked up or when we might expect to be, which means days (perhaps longer) with no poker to speak of. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it without a few hours of clicking and folding each day. The Video Poker Trainer I downloaded recently will help, but there's only so long that will hold my attention without real cash riding on the line.

In addition to all this, or perhaps because of it, my focus at work is absolutely shot. My motivation for work has already been at an all-time low due to the stated intention of management to fire me at their first opportunity, and it doesn't help that no one has a clue what I'm supposed to be doing. So far, everyone with any authority has used me as a catch-all for projects will ill-defined goals and tasks that no one still employed here has any working knowledge of. As far as I'm concerned, even if I don't show up two minutes late two days in a row somewhere down the line and get fired, I've been set up for a major failure the moment any system I'm responsible for has a problem. No one here knows how to fix them (or in most cases, what they're supposed to be accomplishing in the first place), and I've been told not to waste my time on research until something actually crashes.

They're going to be surprised when I give two weeks notice the first time I get an after-hours support call. It should be a laugh-riot.

There's gotta be more to life that this.

My Delicious Bookmarks

2005-07-22T15:16:00.000-05:00

So have you seen del.icio.us? This is quite possibly the coolest thing ever. It's a social bookmarking site, kind of like Flickr but for websites instead of pics. Not only can you access your bookmarks from anywhere (I am so sick of bookmarking something at work and not being able to find it at home), but you can also view other ppl's bookmarks, search tags, etc. You want a few examples? How about my bookmarks? Or all bookmarks tagged poker. Or just my bookmarks tagged poker. My bookmarks tagged poker and software. Or popular bookmarks. Or popular bookmarks tagged poker. Check out the URLs for those links and you'll see how easy it is to build a query right into the URL. Now, if you haven't already, go register yourself for an account. And let me know what your username is so I can subscribe to the RSS feed for your bookmarks.

Random Poker Chat II

2005-07-21T00:45:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'll just start posting all the ridiculous things I write in chat once I've past the point where I really should be playing. That's what I'm going to do now, at least.

»Dealer: rvrboatqueen shows a pair of aces
»Dealer: CaptFreeman shows a pair of kings
»#903,306,794: rvrboatqueen wins ($130) with a pair of aces
»CaptFreeman: I didn't want to believe it
»CaptFreeman: nh
»rvrboatqueen: thamks figured that we tie or yu caught a set but i hoped
»rvrboatqueen: that kk or...
»CaptFreeman: I didn't see you reraising with JT or TT or JJ..
»CaptFreeman: I hoped you just didn't believe my overpair
»CaptFreeman: sigh
»CaptFreeman: I don't suppose I could have lost much less there
»Dealer: rvrboatqueen, it's your turn. You have 13 seconds to respond
»CaptFreeman: (I think that's the Official Motto of the National Fish Association)
»rvrboatqueen: lol
»CaptFreeman: our battle cry is "IT'S SOOOOOOOTED!"
»rvrboatqueen: yea lolllllllloooo

Maybe tomorrow I'll dig up the actual history of that hand. I had it emailed to myself because I'm really curious if I could have lost less there. Or at least I question whether I should have. It's worth noting that not all of that was mine, two other players called us down to the river. While AA was a real possibility in my mind, I've found that I lose a lot of extra bets if I don't raise when I think I probably have the best hand, even when the opponent is acting like they have the nuts. Then again, I always have the Official Motto to fall back on.

Anyway, rvrboatqueen turned out to be fun to chat with, so maybe it was worth losing that pot afterall. What's 21 BB between friends? Anyway, we both went on to lose several more bets each because we were flirting instead of paying attention. It's all a question of priorities I suppose. If you do find this post, Queen, shoot me a comment. If you're ever in Saint Louis we can get you the ruffled shirt and tails and go down to the President Casino.

Random Poker Chat I

2005-07-18T22:37:00.000-05:00

I don't really think anyone is reading, though I haven't done the necessary research on hit-counters and referral logs and such to really know for sure, but I'm kind of embarrassed about not posting for almost a month. I guess I'll get past that eventually... the embarassment, that is, not the lengthy silences. I imagine those are likely to be a perpetual part of this blog. Which probably means I should learn to stop apologizing. I'll talk when I have something to say, dammit.

Anyway, I had sort of planned on avoiding hand histories in general, but this is a bit different. I wasn't even inthe hand, I'm the one who folds A2o in MP. Realistically, you can skip the hand if you want, I only provide it for versimilitude. The good part is the chat after the hand.

Dealer: Hand #158827116
Dealer: -wildo- posts the small blind of $1.50
Dealer: fmac posts the big blind of $3
Dealer: You have been dealt [2h Ac]
Dealer: Aruba_Joe folds
Dealer: KP5813 folds
Dealer: addison11 has 15 seconds left to act
Dealer: addison11 folds
Dealer: swanny615 calls $3
Dealer: CaptFreeman folds
Dealer: SmoothCriminal5 folds
Dealer: BlueHen77 folds
Dealer: -wildo- calls $1.50
Dealer: fmac checks
Dealer: The flop is [Ah 6h 6s]
Dealer: -wildo- bets $3
Dealer: fmac folds
Dealer: swanny615 folds
Dealer: Uncalled bet of $3 returned to -wildo-
Dealer: -wildo- mucks
Dealer: -wildo- wins the pot ($9)
Dealer: Hand #158827714
Dealer: fmac posts the small blind of $1.50
Dealer: Aruba_Joe posts the big blind of $3
Dealer: You have been dealt [4c Qd]
Dealer: KP5813 raises to $6
Dealer: addison11 folds
Dealer: swanny615 folds
Dealer: CaptFreeman folds
Dealer: SmoothCriminal5 folds
Dealer: BlueHen77 folds
Dealer: -wildo- folds
Dealer: fmac folds
Dealer: Aruba_Joe calls $3
Dealer: The flop is [5d 8d As]
Dealer: Aruba_Joe checks
Dealer: KP5813 checks
Dealer: The turn is [9c]
Dealer: Aruba_Joe checks
Dealer: KP5813 bets $6
Dealer: Aruba_Joe folds
Dealer: Uncalled bet of $6 returned to KP5813
Dealer: KP5813 mucks
Dealer: KP5813 wins the pot ($13.50)
Dealer: KP5813 is sitting out
Dealer: Hand #158828464
Dealer: Aruba_Joe posts the small blind of $1.50
Dealer: addison11 posts the big blind of $3
Dealer: You have been dealt [Jh Ts]
Dealer: KP5813 stands up
Dealer: swanny615 folds
Dealer: CaptFreeman folds
Dealer: SmoothCriminal5 folds
Dealer: BlueHen77 folds
Dealer: -wildo- folds
Dealer: fmac calls $3
Dealer: Aruba_Joe calls $1.50
Dealer: redmanjew adds $120
Dealer: addison11 checks
Dealer: The flop is [As Ks 4s]
Dealer: Aruba_Joe bets $3
Dealer: addison11 folds
Dealer: fmac calls $3
Dealer: The turn is [8s]
Dealer: Aruba_Joe checks
Dealer: fmac checks
Dealer: The river is [8h]
Dealer: Aruba_Joe bets $6
Dealer: fmac raises to $12
Dealer: Aruba_Joe raises to $18
Dealer: fmac raises to $24
Dealer: Aruba_Joe calls $6

Okay, here's where to start paying attention. It's about where I started paying attention again, at least.

Dealer: fmac shows a full house, Aces full of Eights
Dealer: Aruba_Joe shows a flush, Ace high
Dealer: fmac wins the pot ($60) with a full house, Aces full of Eights
Aruba_Joe: runner fucn runner
Aruba_Joe: what a god damn suprise

Okay, I don't think I've ever gone though an entire session without somebody bitching about this in chat. It's like a big flashing sign over their heads that says "I Play Too Many Hands," but whatever. I appreciate the hints. However, I hadn't been paying attention to the hand...

fmac: u checked the turn

No kidding? I scroll back, and sure enough he let him walk to the runners. But wait, it gets better. He has a *reason*.

Aruba_Joe: you're calling to the river
Aruba_Joe: everyone does here
CaptFreeman: lol
BlueHen77: sometimes you get caught in your own trap
fmac: yea, u cost me $6

This is my nominee for funniest thing said at a poker table this week.

CaptFreeman: lol
Aruba_Joe: its a joke
Aruba_Joe: 7 percent chance and you hit
fmac: better than that
Aruba_Joe: not on that flop
CaptFreeman: this game would be much easier if we just stopped after the first two cards

That's my standard response to whiners. This last bit makes me note in fmac's file, "knows how to use a poker calculator." Good to know...

fmac: btw, it was 28% after the flop

Anyway, I don't know if this was worth breaking radio silence for, but I thought it was hilarious. At least to someone who's slightly high....

The First Bad Beat of the Blog

2005-06-22T17:30:00.000-05:00

Well, it turns out that Empire's reload bonus doesn't start until Thursday, so I was left a bit high-and-dry last night. I still have about 96% of my bonus to clear at Noble Poker, but I could drive to Ameristar, put my name on the list, order a drink, smoke a cigarette, lose $20 playing the slots, and drive home, all before I get a seat on the single 2/4 table that's open there.

I'm really starting to hate waitlists. Not because I'm impatient... I am, but I can kill hours in front of a computer without even thinking about poker, so that's hardly the issue. Mostly it's because I hate seeing such poorly implemented code. I was number nine (number nine... number nine...) of nine on the waitlist for 2/4 on Noble last night. You'd think that, if there are nine players waiting, it might be time to open another table and shove all of us on there. Surely if there were some way to communicate with the other players on the list, I could have convinced some of them to join a new table. Are they worried that the table will break shortly after it starts? Casinos have been using these things called "Must-Move tables" for years now, surely a similar strategy would work. It's really just lazy programming-by-committee bullshit that keeps the interfaces for these sites so terrible.

Anyway, I ended up playing on Ultimate Bet for most of the night, since I left a few hundred there after I cleared their most recent bonus. Someone once said, "If you're not playing for a bonus, you're losing money." I had no idea how right they were... one night with no bonus play and I dropped about 75 big bets. Yuck. The first four hands that I took to show-down, I got beat runner-runner. The third time, we capped on the flop and turn, only to watch the flush hit the river to beat my As and Ks.

Dammit. Well, there it is. My first bad beat story for the blog. My friend J said the other day that she believes that she is doomed to do everything she's ever said she'd never do. It would of course be easy enough for me to go back and delete the offending lines, but at least this way I won't have to worry about letting "The First One" slip out anymore.

Happy Fire Your Boss Day

2005-06-21T17:19:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Girls Are Pretty and my new job for inspiration.

It's going to be uncomfortable, but it has to be done. Today you have to fire your boss.

Explain to him that it's nothing personal. "I know I've only been here for a short time," tell him, "but I can see already that this isn't going to work out." This is when you should hand him the memo.

The memo should be printed out on the company's highest resolution laser printer, and definitely must be on the company's most expensive color letterhead. It absolutely must have the whole To:, From:, Date: and Re: tags that make business memos great. Be sure to CC: your boss's personnel file.

Your boss will look confused while reading, due to the many big words in your memo. Ask him to sit down for a moment to absorb it, and so you can clarify your position.

"Really, it was hiring me that was your mistake," you should say in your most concilliatory tone. "I don't know a damned thing about those Unix servers, but for some reason you gave me a job taking care of them." It's best at this point not to mention the relevant three lines on your resume.

"But I thought..." he'll stammer, scambling for excuses. "I thought it would be okay. They've worked fine for years."

You must remain stern. "This is a very serious issue, boss, not one that we can take likely. We have millions of dollars in revenue depending on the stability of those servers. And not one person here knows the first thing about them. Not even me."

Later, while you are helping him box up his personal effects, comment on how nice his wife looks in his desk picture and ask if they're still together. This should cheer him up.

Happy Fire Your Boss Day!

Seventeen minutes left. Soon, very soon, I'll be playing poker. Finished off my PokerStars bonus last night (gotta love those double FPP hours they're having) and it looks like there's a new Empire bonus to hit tonight. I have hopes that I may be in the range to sit 3/6 for the first time later this weekend.

The Fugitive

2005-06-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

In the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

-Gerard Erasmus

It therefore follows that, in the valley of those with no arms, the one-armed man would be unlikely to frame a doctor for his wife's murder.

-Captain Horatio Freeman

I have mixed feelings about my day at work today. I spent the better part of the day netsurfing for answers to a never-ending array of linux questions, commanded by the fearsome Lieutenant Samba. The good news is that I managed to mow most of them down with my Google-gun, and the rest were cleared out when I called in a RedHat air-strike. The bad news is that I may have accidentally gotten myself promoted to Linux Guru.

Not that being a Guru of any sort is a bad thing. Actually, I wouldn't mind at all if I could wear flowing white robes to work. And a staff. I definitely would need to carry a staff. Unfortunately, I will be unlikely to gain that or any other perk due to my abilities. Of course, I'll get geek points for it, but geek points aren't worth much if geeks don't run the place. It's times like this that I wish I could go back to earning geek points for honor instead of having to be so mercenary about it.

Oh No, Not Again

2005-06-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I hate starting these things. This has to be about the umpteen-gazillionth time I've started a blog. Now I have a billion things to be unhappy about. I hate the formatting. I hate the editor. I hate everything I've ever written. I hate feeling like I must write something. I hate not writing something even more.

Still, here I am again. Once more into the breech, as it were.

I kinda hope someone reads this someday.